Kirsten Henderson, Photography Editor
EVERYWHERE, April 1– The Gay Agenda is on course as scheduled while “Beauty and the Beast” launches itself to number one in the box office with the hopes to inseminate the fertile minds of innocent children.
Spokesperson for the Gay Agenda, Lady Gaga, said, “It’s really going quite smoothly despite the initial upset. The complaining parents still took their children to see this movie, and little do they know, their children will soon be fabulous.”
The Gay Agenda, not to be confused with the Liberal Agenda—which also promotes equality and acceptance, started underground decades ago, but was officially founded in 1992. They are best known for converting heterosexuals to their homosexual, glamorous lifestyle. They encourage everyone to be themselves and love themselves for who they are as their popular Gay Agenda anthem “Born this Way” states.
A local group, Supporters of Pence Build the Fence Ban Tolerance (SOPBTFBT), argue that nothing good comes from this agenda. SOPBTFBT warns that dancing invites immoral thoughts and behavior in youth. They also believe women should be modestly seen and not heard. The women of SOPBTFBT had no comment.
Former spokesperson of the Gay Agenda, Madonna, insists, “Many people didn’t know that Elton John used to be straight before we got to him. We’ve made the world a better place.”
Side effects of the Gay Agenda include a realization that clothing, colors and toys aren’t gendered, an understanding that gender and sexuality is on a spectrum and a love for “RuPaul’s Drag Race.” Early symptoms may include an increased sense of fashion and an urge to dance.
If you believe your child or someone you know may be affected by the Gay Agenda, chances are it may be too late. They may be gay now. Doctors say there is no effective treatment at this time, but SOPBTFBT claims they are looking into it with the help of “alternative science.”
For further information concerning the Gay Agenda, don’t look any further. This is obviously satire (if you didn’t pick up on that yet). There is no “Gay Agenda,” sexuality is not an influenced decision, and “Beauty and the Beast” cannot convert children.